No-face.

I've stopped feeling. All of my emotions have ceased to exist for the time being; it just seems easier this way. After experiencing the things I did last week, I don't want to feel anymore because I'm scared something might happen again. And when I do feel, I feel everything to the extreme because I've been emotionless for a couple days now. I've been so lost in my own little world, focusing solely on my thoughts and disregarding everyone else's. Usually, I wouldn't be like this, but I feel like if I open up myself to listen to other people's worries, it'll just overwhelm me as of now. I'm a horrible person for being so selfish, but hopefully, after I get out of this..."stage" I'm in, I'll come back a more loving person who will be more open-hearted, humble, and willing to listen to those I care about the most. But for now, I'm irritated and blank, trying to sort and figure things out, nothing a little prayer won't be able to fix...

Church is family; Family is love.

"Love is life. And if you miss love, you miss life."

_Leo Buscaglia

If I said to someone, "It's only been about one year since I've been devotedly coming out to church every week," would you be surprised? Would you believe me? I know I wouldn't. Looking back to last year, and comparing myself my old self, I'm shocked to see how much I've grown-up, mentally and spiritually.

I've been through tough times; I've been dragged to church kicking and screaming that I didn't want to go, I've done anything and everything to try to get out of church. I showed up to church once out of 8 weeks; I didn't know what to do with myself. It was bad times. My faith in God completely diminished during this time period, leaving me feeling defeated and empty. I didn't know what went missing or where it went; I figured it was something natural and simply carried on with my life. Summer hit, and I realized that this was not normal. This emptiness and lonely feeling would not go away; it was getting serious. Unwillingly, I came out back to church and got more involved. This brought me back from the dark place I seemed to be stuck in for a couple months. I went to retreat and came back a new person.

Now, like I said earlier, I've been going to church regularly and cannot be detached from my church family especially 우리8총사♥. There seems as if there's truly nothing better than the feeling of family and acceptance and...love. Through our Sung Sam Family, I have learned much, gained much, and gave much. I found the love that was missing from my life...I finally found...life.

old friends, new friends.

i admit that i've been neglecting my friends lately. new and old. now that i've realized this, i feel as if i've realized it too late. i'm scared to talk to them, thinking that they won't accept me into their lives once again after i've carelessly thrown them to the side. if i talked to them now, would they be surprised? would they care? would they wonder why i wanted to talk to them now? although i shouldn't, i'm worrying about what my friends would think of me if i randomly started talking to them. something about the school i'm going to now just brought a lot of bad thoughts into my head; there's definitely good too, but more bad.

i wish i was at my old school again. everything's too different up here. and i still haven't grown used to the differences...even after 2 years...

Monday, April 20, 2009

Like today's weather, my mind felt like suffocating. So many overwhelming events are coming up that just add to the stress of everything. As everyone panics frantically and buries their noses in their books, I simply sit and watch. I am both physically and mentally tired of everything; I don't want to study nor do I want to stare aimlessly at a book I can't even understand half of the time for hours. Nothing would make me happier than to find my state of peace, the place I've been longing for...for who knows how long?

Ever since yesterday, I have been wondering what makes me truly happy and what brings me true peace. Unfortunately, I can't figure it out. Everywhere I turn, everywhere I look, I'm only faced with more nerve-racking, burdensome things to do. Lately, I'm always in a state of panic and anxiety. AP testing, SATs, ACTs, SAT IIs, college; when will the madness end? The pressure that young people are put under is unbearably and immense. Everyone expects us to be the best and go to the best colleges in order to set ourselves off on the right foot. Thanks, society, like we have nothing else to worry about.

A big help...?

Day 1:

Everyday, there is a needy person out in the world waiting for a helping hand to reach down and pick them up. A lot of the time, there are many people in my life who need that hand to reach for them. Whenever a friend needs my help, I try to help them in the best way I possibly can, but sometimes it just doesn't feel like enough. I wish I could do more, but I find myself running into a wall that is wedged between me and my friend. I often run into a dead end when I know I should be saying something witty and inspirational in order to get my friend out of the rut they seemed to find themselves in. I want to learn how to make my friends smile on the spot and laugh with no end when they're feeling down. I'd love to have the power to say something, anything amazing whenever my friends feel down in the dumps. I feel useless and a waste of God's time & creation sometimes thinking that I really can't do one thing properly. Sometimes, I wish I could do so much more...but sometimes, I just can't...